All I Can Handle

The past few months had been a major triumph for me. I experienced so many successes and virtually no failures. First I was able to make the Pinoy Penster Community a bustling and important website. From that experience, I realized that I have a knack for marketing. The people on that website are also all praises for me. Then I also got to work up AdSense, and now it's giving me a constant income of around one to two dollars per day (which is almost impossible). Needless to say, I felt almost infallible. I felt like I am so much ready to be on my own. I also by the way already saved up fifteen thousand pesos (which is in the bank). Last Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday, I had an earth-shattering and sanity-destroying experience. Yes, I felt almost like my sanity was slowly creeping out of me. I totally regressed. I cried in front of people and didn't talk for days (which was me so many years ago). The experience was in the operating room. I guess I am not that strong as to be

It has been 6 days now that I have been assigned in the only Psychiatric Ward here in Zamboanga City and probably the whole of Region 9. How can I describe the experience. One word. Life-changing. Well not exactly. At least my perception on many things changed. First of all, I realized how cheap human life is in this country. Never mind the fact that they are mentally ill. They are still human beings and as such should be dignified as one. To make you cringe a bit, let me describe the conditions inside the psychiatric ward. Patients in the non private rooms don't have any privacy. They are forced to relieve themselves in public using a small container. The whole place smells bad. There are flies everywhere. You don't have immediate access to water. The whole area is dirty. They are confined in their rooms most of the time. By the way, when I say rooms I mean prison cells because their rooms are comparable to prison cells. Lastly, when they eat they aren't provided sp

Last night I woke up to a very very bad dream, a nightmare actually. In this dream, I was inside a complex which looked like a hospital. Everywhere, you can see cameras and apparently all employees are being monitored on those cameras. I saw a person using a sink and while he was not looking, a hand came out, but then I saw people from a 'control room' quickly hiding the hand (through a complicated technology). Then I saw a room with no windows. I keep on seeing bodies being thrown in that room. The bodies smelled like paint (in the dream the paint was sort of an embalming procedure). Then there were some people who were still alive however there were cloths which were placed inside their system and so they couldn't breathe. At one time, three of them woke up discovering their situation and looking at each other as if crying out for help. And then I saw my classmate. She was being chased by some men. Apparently, they were her co-members in a fraternity. Anyway wha

Today the disease that has haunted me for the past two years have struck again. Yes, I have a disease, one of which I am not so proud of. It began during my second year in college. It was during that time that I felt immense albeit manageable stress. Aside from eating, I have one other way of coping with stress and that is not going to school. Yes, whenever I would feel like I can't take the stress anymore, I would just tune out from the world. I would stay home for an afternoon or a day and just (for a few moments in my life) be one with myself. The relief I get from these momentary hidings is indeed great. So great that I consider it therapeutic. It's not that I am running away from my problems. I know that I can never run away from them. I would call it 'taking a break'. My disease struck back today. And yes, I am feeling relieved already.